Saturday, 1 March 2003

Archive Review: The Crow: City of Angels

(Please Note: When posted on the original gamesreview site, this review featured drop down selection boxes which are not supported by this blog. I have included every "option" where a box existed. - admin)

(Playstation, Saturn, review)

Sometimes a game is released that is so shockingly piss poor and lame it actually offends the gamer. Acclaim, the publisher who gave us such classics as Mortal Kombat and Turok have surpassed themselves here with The Crow: City of Angels - quite possibly the worst computer game to appear out of that strange time we called the 1990's.

City of cackness

Due to the lameness of this title I have decided to forge another interactive review.

First of all reader I wish to announce something: This game is now pretty old. It was Born Bred Found Urinated Spat out back in 1997 but guess what! It has now gone Platinum. You can now purchase this piece of Pathetic Sick Depressing F**cking Sh*t Evil Scum Poo Old turd Pure dirt Sheer comedy for a second occasion.

So what is The Crow: City of Angels? I'll tell you what it is. It's the gaming worlds equivalent to some Challenged Stupid Really boring Arrogant Anti-climax 'd Frog Orgasm Postman Pile of Intestines Small evil stepchild "insert imagination here" .

I suppose your expecting some sort of side scrolling beat-em-up? Well don't because the only thing this game resembles is Recycled Smeg A cheesy residue Physical pain Your true nightmare Me? (Not really) .

This game is very Eastern Village. You play a vengeful spirit after those that killed him and his girlfriend. She also appears as an odd attempt at a female graphical portrayal. Your find yourself emerged, no flushed, into a world of dark backstreet's, corridors, and err darker backstreet's as our hero challenges thuggish bikers, pimps, whores, wide boys, joint masters, and large fat bosses. Can you say "fixed camera angles" with static backgrounds? It is just like the classic Resident Evil, although this is the only resemblance to this great title - the "only" resemblance! The camera angles are stupid and I bet $2.50 that the developers, whilst smoking Pot Hash Weed Grandpa Ervin Hobbiton's Finest and playing Monopoly, created these angles to A) hide the fact this game is actually garbage slammed in a disc, and B) they were stoned. The sad thing here is the player models look good and the enemy is varied and this is something many other games of this type fail to supply.

So here we reach the fighting system of The Crow: City of Angels. I can safely say, with all confidence, that this game has the worst fighting system ever conceived. You punch and kick but to no avail for the moves will simply glide through your enemy without hitting them. Hit detection is not so much bugged as it is nonexistent. Just violently shake your hands and scream whilst this dog of a creation laughs in your face! Just put on a wig and call yourself Sharon Lady Bigtits Madam' Whiplash Another mad gamer Michael Jackson The Crow

Can the sound add any life to this crippled creation? No. The music is so rancid it actually feels like your ears are burning. I tried to switch the crazy, substance inspired, score off but caught a few seconds of its crap Diseased tone Stink "Select this if you can't speak English" Fester Pantsness and almost feinted. The sounds of clashing fists are so appalling that it would not surprise me if in some later years, when the FBI release "The Crow files", it is announced that the developer(s) actually used the free Mic he got with his Dell PC to record the vile audio turd.

What else is there to say? Nothing. All that need be said is that this game is utter trash that you simply cannot infect yourself with. Do not buy it! Do not rent it! Do not approach it! If you see it in a retail store whilst jiving in the city I recommend a swift combat dive to avoid eye contact followed by desperate running. This game is almost, although not quite, on par with Survivor: The Interactive Game as being the game that wins the title: World's Worst Game, Ever! Game that offends God Gaming's lamest excuse Acclaim's Biatch! Stanley . This game will make even the happiest camper Suicidal Depressed Lose the will to smile want Acclaim's blood Cry at night Pray for WW3



.........I'll get back to you on that one.


Rubbish plot, crude graphics, no gameplay, stupid, an offensive crime.


I felt kind and gave it a .1 of a point, goodbye The Crow

by Joey T 2003