Archive Review: Singles: Flirt up your life

(PC review)

E-Sex.



I don't have much luck with girls. Then one day this hot little number slides up on to my desk. She’s hip, she’s sexy, she’s got modern sensibilities, and though she’s got a couple hangups, getting her naked is as easy as clicking your mouse. Her name is Singles: Flirt Up Your Life, and she’s the latest thing from the perverts who brought us Lara Croft so many years ago.

For those of you who haven’t heard the buzz, since its oh so loud, Singles is the first game in ages from a major publisher to get the dreaded AO (Adults Only) rating. This is because its so graphically violent and twisted that not even the most... actually nah. It's because it features full nudity and simulated sex, but for all that, it’s not particularly pornographic. In fact, it doesn’t even come close to the government’s own definition of obscenity because it appeals to more than prurient interest. This isn’t the latest version of Virtual Valerie - it’s much more like The Sims, but without all those blurry censorship squares.

Just or unjust, the AO rating still means that no major retailers (outside of Europe) will carry Singles. Instead, the full game is available for download around the net and you can play it for a couple hours, after which you have to buy the game online in order to keep playing. And more than a few people will probably want to keep playing to achieve the ultimate goal of making two virtual people have sex.

The game is a “relationship simulator,” assigning you the role of caretaker to a pair of roommates who can either develop a healthy sexual relationship or fight constantly over who drank the last beer in the fridge. In truth, the roommates in Singles behave frighteningly like a real couple; they work, play, eat, sleep, exercise, crap, and watch TV just like we do. However they don't steal your money, call you to ask where you are when they know, insist it was you who moved their hairdryer and ...ah look at me, I'm getting confused - that's my relationship!

Anyone who has played The Sims will have no trouble at all figuring out how to play Singles because the interface is nearly identical. The personality and relationship meters are eerily familiar, as is the building and buying mode where you can rebuild the apartment and purchase any of a couple hundred other household objects to make their lives better.

The particular Singles you’re (probably) trying to influence into erotic situations are chosen from a dozen different pre-set models, which fit into predictable stereotypes, from the computer nerd to the tough chick. The women are much more appealing than the men as they seem more like normal people, while the guys are a collection of scumbags with goth hairdos and attention-seeking tattoos. One should have been named Sanchez. You've also got the typical Colin D.I.Y man, the Kev, and a definite Karl - spelt with the "K".There’s also one gay character for each sex, so you can try for a same-sex relationship, but they fall prey to the same stereotypes with a bull-dyke and a seriously flaming queer guy. It’s a little frustrating, made worse by the fact that you cannot create your own character. This is a pretty serious oversight as it removes a sitgnificant chunk of the replay value. It's so serious an oversight I want to repeat it, you can't create your own character.

No matter whom you choose, playing with your Singles is again almost exactly like The Sims. You’ll have to manage plenty of little meters - fun, hygiene, hunger, sleep, etc. – which need to stay at acceptable levels to keep them happy and flirting successfully. Eat when you’re hungry, or watch a movie when you need to take a load off.

This isn’t particularly hard, however, as the Singles seem pretty easygoing overall and smarter about doing things on their own without being instructed. Singles aren’t as picky as Sims, and about the only thing they’ll ever fight over is the housework, such as who left more dirty dishes on the table and who has to clean the toilet more. A little flirting and a little teasing eases the tension and everyone is happy again.

Most of the time, however, you’ll be less concerned with squabbling and more concerned with salaries and finding free time outside of work. During the week you’ll run around like a maniac, fixing the sink and trying to get to work on time (sounds familiar). Meanwhile, you’re falling behind on the housework as the floors start to get visibly dirty. Luckily, the weekends make up for it, a feature that was sadly missing from The Sims. The weekends allow you to play catch up, or perhaps even lie around on a lazy Sunday watching movies and making out on the couch with your girl. This sounds a lot like my real life weekends, except without the "girl" part and having a couch.

Unfortunately, while the relationship options here outnumber The Sims, the game loses a lot of depth in other areas. Rather than cooking to become a better cook or working out to improve your physique, the Singles simply get an experience point at regular intervals that they can apply to any skill they want. Want a promotion? Just toss a point at your job. Lame. Want to meet some other Singles and hide a secret relationship or deal with jealousy? Forget about it. There’s no “playing the field” in Singles since there’s nobody on the field other than your two chosen characters, and they never leave the apartment except to work. Without any other goals or characters, there’s really only one way to play this game.

Well, I suppose there is one big goal: the dirty deed, the home run, nookie, bumpin’ uglies, knockin’ boots, the horizontal mambo…or as we used to call it in the third grade, sex. Get your Singles close enough and yes, you can make them do the nasty. Hop on the good foot and do the bad thing. Play locks'n'keys (yeah don't ask). Make Love.

Which, it turns out, is ironically anti-climactic (no comment). It’s actually less explicit than much of the rest of the game, as your Singles’ lower halves are always covered by a modest blanket. There’s no visible penetration, no erections, and only two positions: her on top or him on top (the same sex couples have the same two options, which, when you think about it, is ludicrous). There’s no oral sex, or games, or toys, or experimentation, or interesting positions. The rest of us know that sexual relationships evolve long past the first time you “do it.” Haven’t these people heard of the Kama Sutra? Basically it's very basic and very unworthy of an AO sticker. No foreplay? You mean no lovecuffs? Forget it!

Though the action is dissatisfying, the Singles look terrific. The system requirements might be pretty high, but they’re well used. The roommates feature incredibly detailed facial expressions and eye movements, not to mention all their fully-rendered naughty bits. How many polygons in that penis? Only the developers know for sure.

While the graphics are leaps and bounds beyond The Sims, the sound is nearly identical. Innocuous background music (except for the atonal opening song) provides a canvas for the incoherent babble that passes for conversation. The game may have been made in Germany, but the language is straight Alpha Centauri. Fortunately for everyone, the moans of pleasure are a universal language.

At the end of my relationship with Singles, I was only moderately satisfied with my new partner. The game looks hot and puts out, so if you just want a fling, it’s not a bad choice. But for a long term relationship, I need much more depth. She ain’t getting a ring, that’s for sure. I don't usually do one night stands but in this girls case, I'll make an exception.


Summary


Pros

+Nice graphics +Sex +Many options

Cons

-Boring Sex -No foreplay! -Sanchez? -No character creation -Depth?

6.8/10

A good one night stand


by Underdog 2004

Archive Review: DRIV3R

(PS2/Xbox Review)


Driven around the block.



I like driving in my car. Even if its actually not going very far. When I play DRIV3R, which is really Driver 3 to be precise, I tend not to go very far at all. In fact, I don't like driving. This is because DRIV3R is likely one of the most disappointing games to come out so far this year. It heads away from the areas that made the original Driver good and instead copies the mistakes of the weaker sequel Driver 2. It tries to go all "GTA'ish" and gives us third person roaming which is as badly implemented as it was in Driver 2. What is so strange, and annoying, about this is that DRIV3R comes from the original developers of the original title, Reflections.

The developers have taken no things and advanced no things here with DRIV3R. It is a jazzed up Driver 2 but with all the flaws of that poor game. For a start we have a downright tedious control system which is bad on both formats the game was made for. The Xbox version's works slightly better in terms of the controls, but only due to the controller design.

You reprise your role as the slightly crooked cop Tanner, who now is trying to crack an international stolen car ring. Your investigation takes you from the warm shores of Miami to the crusty French loaves of Nice and the narrow alleys of Istanbul, where you must navigate a complex web of confusing double-crosses, shady accomplices and plenty of brutal murders. The truth here is that the story is actually rather dull and just a cliche of bent cop inspired, Gene Hackman wannabe, men running around with shiny badges. It feels like the story from the movie Gone In 60 Seconds... but without Angelina Jolie! Enough said.

When you get into this game it doesn't take long to realise the playing field. It's a linear game set solely on linear missions. Without any of the freedom of games such as GTA: Vice City you drive around and take mission after mission. These consist of the usual old thing, chasing cars that seem to zoom ahead only to stop and mysteriously wait for you to catch up at the next corner, running about on foot taking on hordes of street punks, and getting chased yourself - either by cops or gangs. You get a map during this which allows you to make your own way to a destination which, as you can imagine, really impressed me. You can't freely roam around in this main mode (called Undercover mode) to the game though. What happens upon completing a mission is a cut-scene and then your automatically placed into a new area - to start a new mission. After playing games like the GTA series playing DRIV3R feels like returning to an old decrepit shed after spending a fortnight at the Hilton.

You will drive 70-80% of the time in this game and it will not be much different to the earlier games. The realistic physics are fun and cleverly implemented. You can powerslide around corners, ram into oncoming cars, and start a fight with a wall and lose in realism. It does have an arcade feel to it though and is made in a way where it seems more fun orientated than the original. Throughout this adventure through crowded roads your soon be cursing at one thing - the controls. They are quite simply one hell of an annoyance. Swerving in and out of traffic is hard enough, but struggling to keep you car going straight as it bucks like a bronco after hitting the smallest bump isn't so much fun as it is nerve-wracking. This really bogs down to the fact that you need to be in a good car to have a fun time. Although you get to drive all sorts of vehicles there are only ever a few you really want to be in.

On a slightly different note this game is one of the first I have played where the training level enemy element proved more of a challenge than the live games excuse for A.I. The automated wooden targets seemed better trained and more prepared for an encounter with player. The punks you come across in the streets of DRIV3R are about as tough as the traffic lights.

The Cop A.I is as bad. It is as if there is no true A.I in this game at all, just scripts and cut-scenes there to fool you into believing this lie. The boys in blue will either go out of their way to hunt you or will go out of their way to drive into walls and die. Sometimes they will get out of the police cars and run repeatedly into a wall, fence, tree, anything really. They will also shoot the for said structure, bang, bang, bang. They also have that amazing advantage that many enemies seem to rely so heavily on in games nowadays. That is unlimited ammunition. This is subjective to them though for when you kill one and take their gun it's always only got a few rounds left...

Really the only way around this issue is to hop into the game’s other modes. You can Take a Ride to explore any of the three big cities at your leisure, which is handy for learning the maps but somewhat pointless as there aren't’t really any goals or anything to act as incentives. A few driving games make a return, most notably the ruthless Survival mode in which you must dodge waves of cops for as long as possible, which proves to still be a fun diversion.

If you own a new controller then think twice before buying this. You will find it being constantly thrown to the floor in a mix of anger, despair, rage, and sheer frustration at this game. Sometimes its so easy you yawn, other times you can't help but ask if it was even playtested. The graphics for both versions are simply average. The textures are pretty basic but give the desired impression of a city without any real problems. They're just not anything more than acceptable. It all seems rather 32-bit to me though, old and hardly flattering.

The sound fares far better thanks to a high-profile assortment of celebrities voices, including Michael Madsen, Ving Rhames and Mickey Rourke. Most of the music is intended to match the feeling of the cut scenes and carries less weight during the action, but generally works well enough.

Even the replay system is bugged. Say you end up in some really cool looking crash and pause to go watch the replay of the collision. You can do this fine except there is one little nag. After viewing the replay the mission will end and you start again, from scratch. Why? Well, there is no obvious reason as to why. I assume it's a bug.

It's a real shame this game is so weak in virtually every area. It could have been so much better. If only they'd listened to the fans and implemented more detail but without feeling the need to throw in so many poor extra elements.



Summary








Pros

+Good damage modeling and physics +Moments of fun +Good voice acting

Cons

-Weak A.I -Archaic graphics -Overly linear -Weak control system -Buggy

5.6/10

Drive me home

by Joey T 2004

Archive Review: Medal of Honor: Rising Sun

(Xbox, Gamecube, PS2 review)


Somebody once said, "War is Hell", oh it was The Critical Alien in his review of Battlefield 1942 . Well war might well be hell but it sure does make a good game and hell! What's more fun than running around with a gun in a wood?



Medal of Honor: War is Linear




I loved Medal of Honor, I loved Medal of Honor: Allied Assault, and even Frontline on the consoles. This was for the simple reason that they delivered what they promoted... authentic WW2 environments with fun gameplay. They were pretty linear yes but made up for it in the way they all just played well. So when Medal of Honor: Rising Sun found its way in my house I was excited for yet more fun, fun, fun.

I Live in Japan. I've lived here for a good few years now, ever since my work as an English teacher took me overseas. I teach English, its what I do, and I like to think I do it well. Rising Sun is based on the pacific setting of World War 2 and starts with Pearl Harbor and ends up in the dense Jungles of the Far East. Was it fate that I, an American living in Japan, was sitting in a chair in the Land of the Rising Sun, about to play a game that pits Americans against Japanese? It felt strange to me, like I was split down the middle of this clash of ideals. Then after about 15 minutes of gaming I realised that RS was Dung and virtually unplayable.



War Diary: Day One



I was woken up to the sounds of bombs falling as I was informed that the Japs had attacked the Harbor. I got up and instantly ran outside to view the carnage. It was odd, the Japanese attack consisted of three planes flying in what seemed like a linear flight path which resembled a circle. I then realised that everyone around me was either dead or doing very little considering we were under attack. Even the Sarg was too busy running into the wall of the barracks whilst strafing sideways to even notice what was happening. It was all too much! The tension got to me, I lost it. Even though I was untrained in the art of Anti Aircraft gunning (I'm only a meer private after all) I took over a flak cannon and let rip. I was confused since no one else was doing this except me. It was me versus the entire Japanese fighter wing! I downed so many planes I doubted the enemy had any left, and then a whole bunch of dem' tings appeared yet again. At one point I even yawned whilst firing into the sky. Was it Providence?

And then I was informed suddenly by the Sarg, who suddenly ceased his odd strafe running tactics, that I had managed, single handedly, to down every fighter in the area and that the rest had fled. He then said it was time for some payback.



Day Two



Before long we were all put in big boats and shipped to the jungles to take on the pesky Japs. Apparently they were ultra tough and showed no mercy. Thsi confused me since once we landed our first encounter with the enemy resulted in seeing them stand infront of us, without firing, and then circle strafe whilst looking into the air. Maybe they had been praying... My teammates also seemed to be suffering from this odd behaviour. Was it some scary Oriental Disease? The Circle Strafing Lame Syndrome? Nope, it was obvious even at this early point that the A.I sucked and the enemy were going to be a pretty easy ride.

Before I knew it my team just oddly vanished into that of... me. Even the Sarg had done a runner. Maybe they were still strafe running back near the beach? I decided to venture on into the jungles. I was hardly the experienced ranger of the area nor had I ever seen such jungles before but it did come as a surprise to me when I realised that the jungle actually consisted of a linear set path. I couldn't move to the left or right of this path for the trees seemed to strangely form unpassable walls to either side of me. And then the enemy came in force. Up they popped, no really. They seemed to just appear out of thin air! The Sarg had said that them Japs had some neat tricks up their sleaves but this? I could hardly believe my eyes. Not that it helped them. They appeared, and I shot them. Once, one actually fired a few rounds at me but I only felt a slight sting and my health pack actually healed me to full health within seconds. I begun to realise something else too. I was finding it very hard to shoot.


Gun + Plane = Game -EA Formula No.1839


I wasn't sure if it was just me or the fact that the tropical surroundings were making it hard for me to operate as I had before. I couldn't seem to aim my gun's crosshair at the enemy fast enough. The movement was sluggish and inaccurate. As well as this it felt like the best thing to do was actually keep my weapon aimed at a 90 degrees angle and instead of aim at enemies just run at them and position myself, via strafing, until I had them in my sights. This meant that 99 percent of my frags had been down to inflicting lethal "thigh" wounds to my enemy. I would shoot them in the thighs until they died. Was this why the Sarg had been strafe running during Pearl Harbor? In order to practice this art form?

As I continued through the linear, dull, and repetetive jungles I soon realised my compass seemed faulty. It didn't work right at all. My route was often in the direction opposite to where the compass directed me to head. I also realised that there was an odd sense of fate or destiny entwined in my adventure. You see, whenever I came across a machine gun position it would seem clear. But if I were to actually take over and man that MG a whole wave of them there Asian lads would pop up from the foliage. It felt like they actually were waiting for me to aim at them with the MG before they revealed themselves! Kamikaze? No, just pants.

So I soon learnt not to even bother manning MG guns at all. Why bother? I just walked on by them and decided not to live yet another experience in the scripted, linear sense of the word.



Day Three



I soon realised that some random fellow had been following me whilst on this tropical romp. He didn't say much, infact he just seemed to repeat the same four or five phrases all the time like "get some" and "how'd ya like that?" Once he told me to "get down" but I didn't understand why. We were just walking along in the clear. Odd guy. But it was quite nice to have some company I guess, since my Sarg and entire squad had seemed to abandon me earlier.

After a while I felt as if I, personally, were the vanguard of an entire Continents revenge on the Japanese. It was as if I was the soul tool in this objective... it was me VS all! I let the feeling pass though, silly nonsense I thought. Soon I begun to discover something even more important. I didn't need to kill all the enemy in order to proceed forward. If war's a game of capturing land then to hell with standing off against the hordes of enemy... I just charged like a wild thing, charging. I simply ran passed wave after wave of the enemy. They didn't even give chase! I then realised that my odd pal had not complied with this new novelty tactic and had been killed whilst lugging behind. For the record... I didn't actually give a !%$?

Well eventually I pulled through though. I managed to defeat Japan, no really. It was me versus the bulk of Japan's Red Army... and I won, and to be quite honest, without sounding big headed, I found it really quite easy. So what did I learn from all of this:

1) EA really are a bunch of Capitalist pigs with no morals and no sense of true creativity when it comes to games.

2) War is hell but in a very linear, scripted, repetetive, and buggy sort of way.

3) Tropical climates really do play havoc on peoples intelligence. They do the silliest of things...

4) That one man, with an M1 Garand, can and did defeat 100,000 men without using more than 3 save points.

5) Those Germans really were alot tougher than the Japs... it was as if they were almost Godlike compared. Strange that.

And to conclude on it all I go back to that odd feeling I had whilst in the fray... it seemed like America was relying on me and me alone to win this war. I was expected to achieve so much, yet it had been so damn easy. Was this all one big test I had just walked? Maybe, I didn't care. It was time to put down the guns and settle back at home. I had plans to sell my story and make a movie based on my war experiences: I would call my tale "Pearl Harbor: One Man's Mission"



Summary



Pros

Good sound, PS2 multiplayer, arguably a classic "MOH" style.

Cons

Crap controls, crap A.I, poor graphics, linear, easy, lifeless like a corpse.

5.9/10

War games can be like hell sometimes


by Joey T 2003

Archive Review: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

(Please Note: When posted on the original gamesreview site, this review featured drop down selection boxes which are not supported by this blog. I have included every "option" where a box existed. - admin)


(PS2, Xbox review)


I need your clothes, your boots, and your money.


I heard this rumour, a rumour so foul and depraved that I quickly forgot about it. Then I heard it again, a rumour so obscene and offensive that I simply refused to even consider it could possibly be true. And then I, with my own eyes, witnessed the advert on television for this evil project. Yes, Atari had just brought out Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines the game!

I knew that this meant only one thing: another crap game based on a movie. It was just fate. But I couldn't simply shun T3 the game without giving it a chance, could I? So I gave it a spin. And only now, after many days hours minutes years? of solid gaming can I safely say, with all confidence, that this game is utter binary fetus. digital dung. sh*t. trash.

So let us now dive right in and go into what it is that makes a truly bad game bad. First of all let us ponder at the design values that make up this manufactured waste. The story is based on the film. You play as Arny, the Governator, politics answer to the Michelin man , on a mission to get into office by managing to achieve the world record in shady backhander's, "anonymous funding's", and personally hosted beach parties. Of course, not even Atari would have gone this far. No, instead we play as the Terminator as he races around 2003 trying to stop the T-X from killing some waster called John Connor. Reminds me of Dallas. the old days. Terminator 2. my pet hamster. an unsuccessful barbecue do.

The game consists of walking around ultra linear levels in a FPS view with the odd third person side-on view for fighting stages. So you start of in backstreets and end up in the SkyNet lab. This rough outline of a game had potential. I stress it "had" potential for when you play it you feel as if Arny himself has come into your house and forced you to read his new book of poetry. The FPS view is the bulk of the game and sucks. The map you get literally doesn't work so you never know where you truly are. Not that this matters since the levels are so linear the way to go is always obvious anyway. Obvious question... why have a map at all? Why take up 1/5 of the viewable screen with a pointless map? Add to this ultra narrow corridors, which are so narrow it feels like your in a Submarine, and short view distances and you begin to get a picture of T3: the game. life in modern day Skegness. what Hell may resemble. the depth's of Atari's mind. I could almost violently, with complete struggle and resistance to the last stand, accept these aspects. What I absolutely giggled vomited choked cried bled, cried, giggled and vomited at was the games most inept issues.

The game relies on a lock-on button. You use this to aim at the enemy. The problem is that it is bugged. Say a skinless model 101 is firing at you, standing slap bang in the middle of the narrow corridor, the lock-on will aim at an enemy somewhere else entirely, often behind the walls themselves. You have to keep pressing it in order for it to finally grasp the situation and allow you to shoot at the enemy firing into your face. I had to run up to the said cyborg, and literally tease the lock-on system to "lock on" by strafing into the enemy and running around it in circles. This kind of reminded me of fish and chips. playing scrabble well into the night. frustration put in a box.

I thought the coast was clear and that I had now seen the worst of what T3 had to torture the gamer with. But I was wrong! Oh so very wrong, for it was then that I realised that hit detection was also bugged. Once you fire at the enemy they won't actually die. Drill, drill, drill. Nothing. This is down to invisible barriers that seem to often block your foe. If they occur you simply must run away and come back in the hope that they will have gone again, allowing you to kill once more.

Something else was afoot here too. Occasionally in this game? half-eaten sausage dog indescript crap you will be required to shoot a wall in order to proceed through the linear levels. This sounds cool but it isn't. Only these "scripted" walls are destructible. No other walls in the game are. This is quite comical when one realises that the game boasts "destructible environments" on the back of the box! So when the time comes to destroy a wall you would think that this process would be relatively simple. Find the wall, shoot it up. Nope. You see there is no obvious way to find the wall! They all look the same and no signs are apparent. So you have to walk up and down the linear corridors firing pointlessly at every single wall you can see. There are not even any cool bullet hole effects to marvel at here. Just spray at walls that don't even seem to flinch at your automatic bursts. I spent 15 minutes doing this until I found the wall that actually fell through. Now that was a real anti-climax too. What really annoyed me here though was that the wall was right by a door. When I walked through the hole I had created I made a point of seeing where the door would potentially have led to within the level design's context. It would have led to the same damn place as the destructible wall!

So the Terminator is destroying walls for the sake of destroying walls? Because that sells video games? Surely Arny would have, should have, just opened or kicked open the door to save time and effort? Oh no, apparently the way to do it is destroy the adjacent wall in order to continue on. You destroy walls for the sheer novelty. Not for any tactical or decisive reason.

The fighting mode sucks. Picture the scene... you versus the T-X in a punch/kick affair. Mash! Mash! Mash! Okay you can throw too, but only via one simple move. Block kind of works but why would the Terminator need to block? They feel like a bonus game which lasts a minute tops. Trash.

Graphically the game suffers from being rubbish. The Xbox version I played on was dull, gray, and gray, so the PS2 version is probably even duller and also likely more gray. You get FMV thrown in which is okay, but just go buy Terminator 3 on DVD you fools! The sound is acceptable, with the infamous Terminator scores, and good bass-heavy blasts from the guns, but this is all lost in the sea of cackness which is T3 the game. Did I mention that this game also has no multiplayer modes what-so-ever! No two player, no split screen, nothing, zilch.

Whoever worked on this game, and Jesus Christ the credits in the manual are huge, needs to be put up in front of a Court of Law and forced to confess that they all knew this game was terrible in every conceivable way before they released it. Then, these said criminals should be forced to sit in a room and play their creation for as long as they can possibly stand this mind numbing evil. Then, maybe then, will the gaming community begin to see a change in the quality of modern products. Games developers are really getting slacky nowadays, hoping the fast food in the consumers belly and the Fluoride in their drinking water is getting to their brains. I, for one at least, still have an IQ.


Summary



Pros

None.


Cons

Everything about the game, right down to it's very core and foundations.

0.0/10

Completely void of any form of praise. Absolutely beyond forgiving.




by The Critical Alien
© 2003