Saturday, 1 February 2003

Archive Review: The Mummy Returns

I have developed somewhat of an equation for you all to contemplate over. Here it is:
(Please Note: When posted on the original gamesreview site, this review featured drop down selection boxes which are not supported by this blog. I have included every "option" where a box existed. - admin)

(PS2 review)

Crap Movie based solely on CGI work(CM) + Crap Sequel based on more CGI work(CS) = really, really, shoddy computer game(CG). CM + CS = CG

The Mummy Returns isn't a game; its the sum of my hypothetical mathematics.

Rick O'Connell, you suck!

This game deserves the interactive treatment.

When working on The Mummy Returns Universal Studios, the developers, obviously saw Tomb Raider and thought: "Yes that's it! Let's try to achieve this style". The game is very much like your typical third person style quest game, with puzzles, enemy foes, key searching, and good old platform jumping action. The problem here is that the developers forgot to actually add interest. The game is so boring I looked back on my old maths lessons with an insanely eccentric teacher, Mr. Penna, dribbling over the blackboard, with delight. Almost as soon as I played this game I felt the urge to Scream. Slit my wrists via the CD case corners. Launch a one man mission against Universal Studios. Join the dark side. The menu screen felt painful to scroll around and then came character select.

Here we see the choice between Rick O'Connell; an Indiana Jones wannabe without the whip, and Imhotep (an Egyptian geezer with Tommy Cooper hat). I have not been Suicidal Drugged Kidnapped Drinking Chewing my arms recently so the movie, The Mummy Returns, past me by and therefore I have no idea of plot or story but quite frankly it could be the best story ever and I wouldn't care - the game Shovels Dung. "Is" Elvis Presley on a bad day. Sucks. Is total trash. "!*%$!**"

So you play a lame character or a Tommy Cooper imposter...great! Just hop on into the first level and maybe the gameplay will be good enough to excuse the story, characters, movie, and general concept between the franchise. Unfortunately the gameplay is so weak in The Mummy Returns that you begin to wonder if Universal Studios was actually momentarily invaded by a bunch of Survivor: The Interactive Game players Fans of The Crow Retarded Freaks with eye patches Evil henchmen from Sweden Mutated Zebras on crack where they made this game and published it just before the police arrived.

The graphics are bad, but not in the same league as The Crow or Survivor, and the fighting and gun fights are some of the most terrible ever licensed. Whatever Rick does looks bad. Rick on a whole is just destined to a life of lameness. It is as if his character has been cursed. When he fires a gun it looks more like he is Ejecting an orange liquid. Playing with matches. Violating a squirrel. A twat. When he launches a punch or kick, or swings his sword, it actually resembles The Crow. Mr. Blobby does Vegas. An Arabian ass workout. Crap.

You know a game's in trouble when the only good thing you can think of to say about the combat is the fact that you can still carry a torch while fighting. You can't use it for any purpose though, it just lights up the dingy locations. Pure Junk. Drivel. Tripe. And utter crap!

The camera angles mock you as they deliberately position in ways that not only make seeing the fights impossible but an experiment in using the force. Can't see the fight? Neither could Luke Skywalker in A New Hope. Deal with it!

Lets get to the real Lemon. Cheekiness. Slap'n'tickle. Meat and bones. This game incorporates the "Retard" button - a single button that performs nearly all of the platform movements like climbing, jumping, etc. While this button scheme is a blessing for those players out there who have accidentally gotten four of the five digits on their right hand lopped off in a tragic mishap, it is a nightmare of frustration for those of us who still possess five fingers and an opposable thumb. Not only does it place massive limitations on what your character can actually do, it means that you must accomplish jumps over deadly traps with a button which will act as a combat "block" until you are at the very edge of something jump-able, in which case it will change to a "jump" button at the very last moment. This sort of thing will cause you to die a lot in the same place, and that's never a good thing.

There is nothing good to say here. The enemy A.I is also so weak that you may as well be up against A contorted monkey. Enemies from The Crow. Air. A bunch of schoolgirls. Sean E after a few pints. . Be prepared to face foes that will run straight past you, and keep on going, or stand to confront you only to pause in motionless parody as you do your "Rick O'Connell thing".

This game also boasts poor voice acting from non-movie types who couldn't act if Universal Studios had paid them. Oh, they had! Steer clear of Mummies, especially ones that are apparently "Returning". If you rent this, you are a fool, if you actually buy it, just get out and close the door behind you.



At least your not in a Japanese POW camp.


Where to start.... pants A.I, crap gameplay, rubbish control, hideous graphics/sound, boring, short.


I didn't want to offend The Crow and give this game 0.0

by The Critical Alien
© 2003

No comments: