Tuesday, 1 April 2003

Archive Review: Charlie's Angels

(Please Note: When posted on the original gamesreview site, this review featured drop down selection boxes which are not supported by this blog. I have included every "option" where a box existed. - admin)

(Gamecube review)

Let's all welcome Natalie, Dylan, and Alex; Charlie's Angels, my nightmare.

You should now know the score: silly games = interactive reviews. This "interaction" is necessary for our sanity as well as yours. This category of games - "The Survivor wannabes" - deserves, and needs, a more hands-on approach.

What's that? A game!?

Charlie's Angels is yet another example of a movie tie-in computer game based on a bad movie. Alien's formula for such evil's (CM+CS=CG) is once again proven here, but without the crap sequel part. It is quite an unknown fact that CD's actually make really good frisbees. I have quite a collection now. Charlie's Angels, for some reason, doesn't spin quite as well as The Crow The Mummy Returns Survivor: The interactive game George W Bush Tony Blair though, which is quite a shame really. The problem here is I am not actually reviewing frisbees. I am expected to give this Monkey Cabbage Garbage Anal Intruder an actual games review - pretending its a game! Well Blow me! Just kill me! Damn! Jesus H Christ! Sharks!

A very bad man, or set of men, probably with either English or German accents (or maybe they have branched out and gone Oriental), have only gone and done it! Stolen a whole bunch of treasure! *Tuts* This is where Charlie's Angels Step in. get marketed. Die! Are forced into cheap sex.

This claims to be a third person game. Well it actually resembles Final Fight. It's a platformer. You select an angel and punch, kick, block and jump your way along linear straight lines of stunning level design. There are no cool or impressive moves - this game is just like something you would expect to have seen in the late 80s/early 90's. In fact it is Double Dragon crafted for the 21st Century. Hmm, no its just Completely appalling. Comically inept. Lacking. Your face! (don't hit me) The Mummy Returns.

Old faces appear in this junk. It is like a reunion of gaming scum that was luckily mostly wiped from the bathtub of technological advancement. Here we see "invisible walls" - yes their back and meaner than ever!You run along a straight path and dodge a bunch of lame A.I punks then are halted by a stop and go area. You must flaw all the enemy's before you can Proceed. Chew on raw flesh. Hurl Charlie's Angels out of your window. Scream! Say "Watabangoo".

As this puerile pig progresses you can learn a few new combo's and a throw or two but they add nothing and are so easy to perform they feel like default moves. Its enough to make a grown man Cry. Salivate uncontrollably. Scream for "Mummy". Sell his house and move to Siberia. Play The Crow. The publishers advertised an interactive environment. This consists of hitting boxes that are randomly placed in the level to reveal health. Maybe in 1990 this could bode as an "interactive" element, but in 2003 it can just go bode its sorry features to The edge of a high cliff. The dumpster. My mouth. My other prominent hole. Survivor: The interactive games house.

This leads me to another factor. With all their Kung-Fu skill the Angels are able to attack a plethora of innocent people. For some reason the Angels are Disliked Hated Bitterly despised Actually ultra evil and every non-villain wants a piece of them. You get construction workers, French maids, hell even priests, coming at you wanting a piece of the action. Why? Just contact Ubi Soft and ask them. I'm sure there is some feasable explanation... My A$. Thumb. Wallet. Second cousin. Model railway.

Its madness like this that makes Charlie's Angels so distant from any form of story or logic that it actually plays on your mind. Is there some deeper insight into the world here? Do we all really actually hate the good guys and worship The Emperor? During the action you get a health meter, lives, and a bonus meter. This builds up as you rage around the urban sprawl. When it flashes you get "Angel time"! Guess what this consists of? Your answer on a postcard.....

Hi Joey,

"Angel time" in Ubi Soft's Charlie's Angels consists of,

A small rabbit materializing from your angel who ravages any enemy
in the immediate area. The gamers built up anger transforming into a red beam of pure energy
that kills everyone! A free ride on the dodgems? (The answer) - A "Matrix" style slowdown of the action
where you can continue fighting with an advantage. I hate you.

Hope I win! Choi,

"Loser no. 345345"

Okay I am giving this tripe too much review time here. I am going to speed up, hold on. Charlie's Angels allows you to select any of the three girls. Why bother? They all look virtually the same and play identically. The sound, including music, is so poor it should be registered in the UN's list of illegal torture: "Illegal torture number 232:34 - Being subjected to the sounds of Charlie's Angels for more than 30 seconds." The game also turns into pure button mashing. Mash, mash, mash. No skill, no thought, no need!

What the hell is so funny? Oh, your not meant to be laughing...

The creators of this game were probably under some warped impression that the N64 was still top dog. The graphics seem just like the days of Cubist design with weak colors and boxy animation. What I'm trying to tell you is The graphics suck mints. I am Jesus Christ. You are Dr. Evil's love child. There's a sale at pennies. We all have 4 seconds to live. Papa ain't coming home this Christmas.

The cinematic's in Satan's Daughters are okay I guess. There boring though and mostly all set in some sleazy office - Charlie's gaff no doubt squire (Gotta learn England's English if I'm going to write for a UK site).

This is like some really un-promising students programming coursework which he has obviously rushed, after a harsh night out, and thrown together at the last minute. The A.I is so weak The Crow's potentially The Mummy Returns possibly I A Storm Trooper An old wooden spoon could just about rival it at least. (Well maybe not The Crow's A.I.) The graphics suck, the sound is the new Japanese water torture, and my coffee just got cold! Charlie's Angels attempts to achieve virtually nothing and fails to deliver. Another frisbee, yet a bad one at that. Utter, complete, and absolute Rectum discharge. Urinated yellow stuff. Chewy milk. F***ing crap. F***ing S**t, F***ing crap. "@!$@!!%%%$**!*£@'s".



Some average cinematic's, errm... did I mention about the cinematic's?


Backwards graphics, poor sound and music, button mashing, invisible walls, Angel time? Whatever, Someone give Satan a call - its time to get tough on Angels.


A tad up from The Crow and The Mummy Returns, but still complete Trash!

By Joey T 2003

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